Failing forward: The right way to fail

A guide to succeeding by failing

Disclaimer: The purpose of this isn’t to “motivate” you to suddenly love the idea of failing. Of course, no one likes to fail. If there was a way to get everything right on the first try, I’d take it. Instead, I’m writing this to explain the psychology behind failure and how embracing it ultimately leads faster to eventual success.

Let’s start with the basics.

What does failure mean to you?

When you hear failure, the first thing that probably comes to mind is some effort that has gone to waste. You’ve put effort into an activity or task, and it has failed. Ended. C’est fini.

When I hear failure, I see it instead as a comma, an enabler, a short break in transmission, a step-stone. A step that is meant to be a part of the process to success.

More often than not, we embark on tasks and assess them on a “pass or fail” basis. “It’s either I succeed at this thing or I don’t”. But failure is not binary. Failure is not the 0 in 0 and 1, instead it is more like the 0.44445... which, when rounded up one digit at a time, will eventually become 1.

Failure is orange or green when you’re trying to move from red to violet in the colour spectrum. It’s neither a stop nor the destination, but a pause—an extremely essential part of the journey to success.

How to Fail

I like to think there is a right way to approach failure. A way that allows you look forward to it, instead of dreading it.

When I started learning how to type, I messed up a lot. The first step to this was finger placements, since this was the root cause of why I couldn’t type properly. I started typing only with the right placements and it was way worse than using two fingers and staring at the keys. I kept typing rubbish but I decided to keep at it for months. I started at about 12 wpm (words per minute) and I eventually spent 3 months doing this every single day before I could get to 60 wpm. I checked it this morning, and I’m now on 102 wpm. I knew I had to accept typing like my fingers had cramps because this was necessary to finally master the skill.

You see something similar in learning to drive. When you’re starting, you worry a lot about how straight your hand is, if you’re going too fast or if you’re hitting the breaks with the right amount of pressure. Severally, you’d turn the wrong way and the driver in the Sienna beside you will poke his head out the window to call you a mad man (while he’s shouting like one) and you might even get an accident (hit a wall, smash your fense, or have your mirror broken by a bike man that’s too impatient to wait) but as time goes on and you keep getting back to it, you’d eventually be able to drive with just one hand on the steering and another hand on your passenger princesses’ lap (just kidding just kidding).

The prime example of this though, can be seen in babies. Babies learn how to walk without even taking a class or taking advice from people. From crawling, they try to stand and from standing they try taking one then two steps before they fall. They always fall. It’s part of their journey to learning how to walk.

A key indicator that you’re failing the right way is being ready to learn the right way to do things. It’s listening to corrections when your team members make a complaint, it’s adjusting your strokes when you’re learning to swim and it’s knowing when not to use a vendor again.

Failure should be a guiding factor to how we approach our desire to grow. We need to embrace it, because this is the only way we can learn from it when it comes… cos it will come.

Why you need to know how to fail

• For a first, because it’s inevitable.

Failure is a constant. It is not humanely possible to try something new and get it perfectly right the first and every other time. Failure is one thing as constant as death. At one point or the other, you’d fail at something. You might as well know how best to approach it.

• You’d get less scared

Being less scared implies a reduction in fear or anxiety. There’s a fear that comes from uncertainty. The uncertainty of the outcome of an event. “What if it doesn’t work”. It is this same fear that stops people from trying things they love. It is this fear that has kept ideas as bright as a stadium light covered inside a calabash because the individual thinks it might be a candlelight.
Learning to fail allows you approach tasks differently and instead says “If it doesn’t work, I’d learn why and try again another time”.

• You’d grow more confident

This is quite different from being less scared. Confidence is a state of self-assuredness and belief in one’s abilities, decisions, or actions. Once you know how to fail, you’d begin approaching things with a feeling of assurance. You get assigned a new task or challenge and you jump into it like Sokka rushing into battle.

• Your expectations are refined (you expect less?)

When you are aware that not everything will go as planned and you approach that with the willingness to learn how to do it, you’re less phased when hiccups happen. They come and everyone is wondering how you’re so calm in tough situations.

How to stay sane while failing

All this talk about embracing failure is just talk if you lose yourself to the overwhelming feeling of sadness when it comes. So here’s a couple of ways to stay sane while failure.

1. Celebrate Small Wins: This is essential. Even when facing failure, acknowledging and celebrating the small victories along the way provides motivation and a sense of progress. It reminds you that despite setbacks, you are moving forward, one step at a time.
2. Self-Compassion: Instead of being overly critical or harsh on yourself, treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Understand that failure is a natural part of any journey, and it doesn’t define your worth or potential. This helps maintain your emotional well-being and resilience.
3. Take Breaks: As much as it’s necessary to get back up and continue when you encounter failure, it’s also extremely vital to understand the importance of taking breaks before getting back to it. This helps to prevent burnout when things start getting annoying. Sometimes, all you need is a little sleep.
4. Community and Support: A supportive community around you is invaluable. Share your experiences and challenges with trusted friends, family, or mentors who can offer encouragement, advice, and perspective. Knowing you have a network of people who believe in you can provide a profound sense of calm in the storm.
5. Ask for Help: Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. When facing failure in some variation, don’t hesitate to seek assistance from your community. They can provide guidance, new insights, and solutions you might not have considered on your own.

Who has failed before?

Literally everyone that has become something has failed before, but here’s a couple:

1. Thomas Edison: Thomas Edison is famous for his relentless pursuit of the light bulb. He conducted thousands of experiments and faced numerous failures before finally inventing a practical electric light bulb. His famous quote, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work,” reflects the right mentality towards failure.
2. J.K. Rowling: The author of the immensely popular Harry Potter series faced rejection from numerous publishers before Bloomsbury finally accepted her manuscript. Today, she is one of the most successful authors in history, with her books selling over 500 million copies worldwide.
3. Walt Disney: Disney faced bankruptcy and numerous failures before his iconic creation, Mickey Mouse, and the success of Disneyland and Walt Disney World. Now, his name is synonymous with the entertainment industry.
4. Oprah Winfrey: Her early career in television was filled with setbacks and challenges. However, she persisted, and her talk show, “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” became one of the highest-rated and most influential television programs in history. She’s now a media mogul and philanthropist.
5. Abraham Lincoln: Lincoln’s life is marked by numerous political failures, including several unsuccessful runs for public office. However, he persevered, became the 16th President of the United States, and is remembered for his leadership during the American Civil War and the abolition of slavery.
6. Colonel Harland Sanders: Before founding Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC), Sanders faced a series of career setbacks, including losing jobs and facing financial difficulties. It was in his 60s that he franchised the first KFC restaurant, which became an international fast-food phenomenon.
7. Steve Jobs: After co-founding Apple, Jobs faced a series of challenges and was even ousted from his own company. However, he returned to Apple and played a pivotal role in its resurgence, introducing groundbreaking products like the iPod, iPhone, and iPad.
8. Michael Jordan: Widely regarded as one of the greatest basketball players of all time, Jordan faced many failures and setbacks, including being cut from his high school basketball team. His resilience and work ethic propelled him to multiple NBA championships and global stardom.
9. Nelson Mandela: Nelson Mandela is an exceptional example. He spent 27 years in prison as a result of his anti-apartheid activism. However, upon his release, he pursued reconciliation and became South Africa’s first black president. His leadership and commitment to peace and justice continue to inspire people worldwide.
10. Myself: I’m currently still failing and learning and I’m not mad at myself at all.

Concluding reflection

The whole idea of this is that you look at failure in a different light with the goal to eventually succeed. If you don’t plan on succeeding, there’s no point to it at all.
Failure isn’t something to be afraid of, but something to be embraced.

Now I ask again, what does failure mean to you?

Till next time, all my love.

~ Mileke.