-on confusion.
This is a rant, a chaotic rant. There is no moral lesson in these words and there is no structure. If you decide to keep reading, do embrace the chaos.
Confusion - uncertainty about what is happening, intended or required.
The first time I was courageous enough to start writing this was 6 months ago, but I’ve felt confused for way longer.
The first major life decision I had to make completely on my own was the course I’d study in University. Making this decision wasn’t hard at all. I remember it was during a Physics exam in SS2. I had answered the questions I knew but I didn’t want to submit in case an extra answer flew across the room for me to catch. While waiting for an answer that never came, I decided to do some thinking. My thought process was very simple — list all the courses you pass well, pick the top 2/3 and pick what career cuts across them. I did this and came up with Maths, ICT and Physics. This list led to Computer Engineering or Computer Science. I preferred ICT to Physics so on that spot, I chose computer science and that was it. I made one of the most career defining decisions of my life in less than 5 minutes.
That was the last easy decision I made.
If our lives are anything alike, leaving High School meant you were expected to utilize a greater sense of reasoning when making decisions. After all, “you’re no longer in secondary school”. Since this point of false liberation from the confinements of high school, I have seriously battled with confusion. And I don’t mean with little decisions like what to eat and what to wear, I barely think twice about those kinda things. I’m talking about major decisions — career, ambitions, relationships, decisions in leadership etc. It has been the bane of my life and has caused me much stress. Last year, I absent-mindedly told my cousin that there’s nothing worse than the feeling of confusion. He raised me death, but I argued that you’re not even aware when you’re dead. Confusion feels like swimming in troubled waters that push you in every direction. Certain that no one is coming to save you but yourself, but not so sure how to save yourself. You don’t know what direction to go nor how to even go about it.
There are several feelings that are absolutely upsetting — grief, frustration, anger — but with those, you can point exactly at what the problem is. There is a reason you’re feeling that way and you know exactly what it is. You’re in that water and maybe it’s because someone pushed you or you’re searching for something, but you know why you’re there. With confusion, you’re just left wandering and wondering.
Confusion and satisfaction
In a weird way, one of the causes of confusion is satisfaction (or the lack thereof). On the week of my graduation, I came across the song “Higher” by Eminem. It was so timely, cos it spelt out what I had been feeling for a while. The first time I heard it, I almost shed a tear.
He sings about confusion from a point of view of not knowing what milestone to target next and it goes to show the different forms it can take. Insatiability being one of them.
If we could all just make a decision when faced with options without worrying about which is the best one or the right one and be satisfied with it, we won’t have problems. But we’re not wired this way.
Confusion and the paucity of time
We have one single shot at this life thing and we’re supposed to figure it out in that one shot. It doesn’t even help that other people have come before us because everyone has different journeys. Every single person is living absolutely different lives and facing completely distinct challenges and problems. So even if you get advice from the most successful person, it doesn’t mean their methods will work for you. There’s no right or wrong way. So essentially, you have one shot to make the best out of your own life. We’re thrown into a pool of endless possibilities without the clarity or assurance that anything particular will happen. The thought drains me.
Time literally isn’t on your side. People say “oh live a little, feel free to make mistakes”, but I’m not getting younger. What if I keep “making mistakes” till I’m 60? What if I never figure out what career I want to keep, or I start philandering because I’m confused on who to marry, or I never relocate cos I don’t know where the best place will be? I’m gradually getting to the age where looking confused isn’t accepted. and why would it, when having your shit figured out at a very young age is what’s celebrated.
If I could have one wish, it would be to be live as many lives as I want until I’m satisfied. That way, I have a personal instruction manual on how to live, and I have infinite time to try everything in every way. If we had the option to just live until we figure it all out, there’d be way less pressure and confusion about what we want our lives to look like. Instead, it’s a constant race against time and we’re constantly left behind. Time waits for no one.
On one hand, we’re comforted with the fact that Colonel Sanders didn’t start KFC until he was 62 but on the other, we’re reminded that Mark Zuckerberg was a billionaire at 23.
Confusion and uncertainty
The hardest part about doing anything major is the feeling of uncertainty that you don’t know if all the time and effort you’re spending on it will ever pay off. There’s no certain happy ending. There is no assurance that I’m making the right decisions or I’d eventually end up okay. “Nothing is sure, no one is coming to save me”. Our lives are left to us. The decisions we make are absolutely on us, and we have no experience whatsoever.
I saw a quote recently that said the conscious pursuit of happiness leads to misery. Which basically means that when we intentionally try to “be happy”, we just end up realizing further how much we aren’t happy and in a way, the same applies for confusion. The more we try to figure it out, the further we go down the rabbit hole. The more we think about trying to find purpose, the more we feel lost. In an ideal world, we should simply stop thinking about it and let nature take it’s course but this isn’t an ideal world. I don’t know what direction to go and what each path might lead to.
There’s the urge to always wanting to be doing something so I don’t have regrets in future about not living and then there’s the dilemma of which direction I want to move in.
It gives me anxiety. It really gives me anxiety.
I’m not feeling this alone
If anything, there’s solace in knowing that I don’t feel this alone. There are several. Don’t get me wrong — I don’t wish this feeling on anyone, but there’s comfort in knowing you’re not going through something alone. I spoke with three of my friends on the subject, each of them with different views and experiences on the subject.
One suffers from something we jokingly called “Too much talent”. Which ideally means that any task she takes on, she’s very confident she’d succeed at it. This isn’t a bluff, it’s something I’ve witnessed and to some extent, a reality I live. She’s currently a law student but pursuing a career in marketing. The root of confusion in her case is fuelled from her being able to do several things. Although she has decided on one thing to stick with, she still thinks about the possibility of others.
The other claims she isn’t confused at all. She’s a recent law grad currently starting a career in PR and she’s laser focused on what she wants to do. We spoke at length about this in an attempt for me to understand how someone had so much clarity and direction. She explained that all her interests align, so there wasn’t much to be confused about. From reading to writing and general story telling, they aren’t too far away from the career she’s chosen. So even though she just finished a 5 year degree she doesn’t plan on using, her direction isn’t wavering.
The third feels like she wasted the year. She finished from law a year ago and had her graduation a week before, but she doesn’t think much of it. Her own dilemma, similar to the first, is too many interests. From designing, to fashion, to writing and management. She expressed that she tried so many things and still wants to try different things. At a point, she had to stop telling people her plans or seeking advice because it got very exhausting hearing so many opinions. She mentioned that she feels the pressure a lot because she has always been seen as the kid who always passes. I rounded up the conversation by asking her for her opinion on self-discovery and being multi-talented. She thinks the satisfaction of self-discovery is greater than the comfort of living life like a manual. Surprisingly, she says being multi-talented is more of a curse than a gift. I found the responses shocking.
PS it was completely coincidental that they’re all girls and studied law.
My thoughts
Another thing I’m confused about is what I think about when I think of confusion. It’s a fucked up feeling and I can’t tell if I can’t describe it well enough.
I’d say when you are in between decisions and your reasoning can’t help you decide, you can just go with one of them. You might not find out if it’s that’s the right thing soon, but you’d definitely know if it’s not the right thing very fast. This isn’t an advice, just my thought, so take it with a pinch of salt. I rarely even follow it.
Maybe someday I’d come back to tell you how I figured it out or if I even do, but until then, enjoy my ramblings.
~ Mileke, in confusion.
