Thoughts on Burnout
On January 1, like every other person with some resolution, I made a plan to write about how I felt more. On April 20, I finally started writing. I planned the title of the first one to be “thoughts on life” but I got too occupied to even start writing it. Ironically, that leads to what I’m writing about but, well, from a different perspective.
Earlier this month, my friend, Treasure, interviewed me and I spoke about the things that I involve myself in. I really liked it and I encourage you to read it here. In that interview, I gave a little insight to what I do/the things I’ve participated in. At the end of the interview, she asked me if there was anything I wanted to share but I totally forgot to talk about Burnout — maybe cos I didn’t know it had hit me then.
What is Burnout?
Let’s start from there. According to the WHO’s ICD-11:
Burn-out is a syndrome conceptualized as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. It is characterized by three dimensions:
1. feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion;
2. increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job; and
3. reduced professional efficacy.
In case you don’t understand all that yapping, I describe it as “A breaking point you reach when you can’t accommodate any more stress”.
I think Im experiencing the 3 dimensions of burnout described above. I find myself not having energy for little things like sending/replying emails, being distant from my responsibilities and not as efficient in those I try to tend to. It’s wild. I hate it.
It tried to explain it to Simi as “it feels like depression but just the type that makes you lose will” of which she replied “that’s exactly what depression is”. I don’t want to say I’m depressed though. I just seems wrong and unfair to those who actually are. I think I’m just really exhausted, if that makes sense.
How burnout has felt for me.
It feels like drowning. You know, falling deeper and deeper into the water because you can’t swim yourself to the surface. Although in this case, you’re drowning not because you don’t know how to swim, but because you’ve swam for too long and still not gotten to the surface. A surface that you once conveniently used to pull others to.
It feels like loud screams — those silent ones. Especially for someone like me who isn’t used to voicing out how they feel. I find myself talking to myself so much more. Saying everything and nothing.
It feels like failure. And I don’t mean it metaphorically or rhetorically or poetically or theoretically or any other fancy way. It feels like failure. Straight. Up.
In that interview, I spoke about my fear of failure. I explained that I do so much because I don’t want to leave any chance for failure. So imagine not being able to work because you can’t work which happened cos you were working too much while knowing that you need to work more. Does that make sense? No it doesn’t. It fucks my head up.
Everyone is breathing down my neck on the things that I should do, but I really don’t have the capacity anymore, not at the moment anyway. Very recently, 3 lecturers that I respect a lot told me they’re disappointed in me. Different variations of “you’ve not done well enough” and “you’re now unserious”. My eye o, almost cry o.
It feels embarrassing. Very. Every time I have had to be reminded to do simple stuff, the wave of embarrassment that hits me can power Nigeria’s dam. It took me a literal month to move files from one folder to another and a week to send an urgent email. “Emi idan?? You don’t mean it.”
It feels disconnecting. Like a plug has been pulled. I don’t feel part of anything anymore. I feel like that app you have on your phone but never open.
I’m really just tired.
So this is my confession. I’m burnt out. I’ve been burnout for a while now. For those that might have suspected, there you have it. (phew. I feel less like a fraud now.)
I’m still trying though, don’t get me wrong. I’m constantly still trying to do the things I need to but it just feels like trying to sweep an Igbo woman off her feet without money — a losing battle. I’m just really grateful for those choosing to help me out in some way.
I don’t know how I’d get out of it, but I will soon enough. This is the first time I’m feeling like this so it’s kind of new to me. Right now, I’m just focused on moving forward. I’m not trying to do anything that might drain me, for the very first time. I just want dey. And while I don’t regret any of the work I took on that led me to this, I wouldn’t advice anyone to do same.
It’s not a good place to be but if you’ve somehow found yourself here, I hope you find your way out. Take your time, but find a way out.
Here are my thoughts on burnout, and I hope you can’t relate.
With Love, Mileke.
